Local Heroes #1 // Wonder Woman

11 March 12

Posted at 1:01

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Wonder Woman considers whether she should continue to text in her votes for this season of Britain's Got Talent, given that the bailiffs recently removed her television after repeated non-payment of instalments on her New Look store card, leaving her unable to watch telly except by hanging around in Comet for very prolonged periods, a tactic which generally results in her being ejected around the moment a store assistant asks whether she needs any assistance and she replies: “Piss off, Eastenders is on in a minute”. Her daughter considers whether mum is a model for third wave feminists balancing high-pressure career and nurturing maternal role, or whether she is already pissed enough not to miss the rest of that bottle of Lambrini. 

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Wonder Woman takes the baby to his disability claimant assessment interview, where he is to be medically examined for whiplash supposedly brought on by a forklift accident. Unbeknownst to both baby and Wonder Woman, her daughter has pictures of the baby on the Nemesis at Alton Towers that she has just sold to The Sun's sponger correspondent for £500, and that will run in the following day's paper under the headline: “Baby's Big Day Out: Sponging Sod Soaks Up The Sun At Alton Towers Thanks To Your Taxes”

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Wonder Woman has a heart to heart with her daughter about the birds and the bees, and by way of educational aid produces on her Samsung Galaxy II a series of snaps taken at a party up Chiselham Park Estate. After much consideration, she inducts her daughter into the ways of womanhood by giving her the Golden Rules Of Dating:

No carparks on a first date.
Always take precautions: i.e. keep an eye out for rozzers when you're in the alley outback of Lidl.
Never do anything you feel uncomfortable with: i.e. always make sure you have enough padding under your knees.
Never do anyone who's had it off with Katie Newton cos she's got the clap and now Andre's got it too and Melissa must've given it to Shafiq off of Andre cos he don't believe in condoms cos he says its against his religion and he says his Imam wouldn't approve and stuff.

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Wonder Woman helps a baby out by lighting its fag, and wonders how many drags she can take as her 'reward' before the baby gets pissed off and BBMs its mates from  Chiselham Park Estate to come and 'really give her something to wonder about' (ie send her to casualty for some stitches that she will have to explain to the woman from the Council's Abusive Relationships Intervention Team as 'falling against a bicycle chain fourteen times'). 

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Wonder Woman attempts to dredge up enough concentration to use her psychic powers on this week's EuroMillions numbers, but is prevented from doing so by that Paul McKenna weight loss hypnosis tape she listened to last week that keeps looping round in her head telling her 'Vegetables now taste to you like chocolate eclairs'. Combined with the Lambrini, all her psychic circuits are scrambled to the extent that she can't predict any of the balls but has perfect telepathic prediction of the colour of Dale Winton's shirt. 

Words by Gavin Haynes. Photography by Tom Martin.

Models; Hannah-Rachel Sunderland, Isla & Thomas.

Special thanks to: Kirsty (@gazpachodragon), Neil (@TestSpaceLeeds),  Hannah Cordingley, Lucy, Simon & Charlotte (The Watkinses).

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